what i could be

i wrote this for my final project in english 106.
just to clear things up- this only starts out as my story.

This is a story that is also a poem
What could have been my very possible present
Some people, I wouldn’t even know them
And my guardian angel wouldn’t even have been sent
it started in high school
after I got kicked off the team
I had been such a fool
The consequences definitely gleaned
A private Christian educational environment
A “you-must-abide-by-these-rules” establishment
Public schoolers stared in astonishment
As we all told of our rules, teachers, and dress check
Although for me it was tough
My Fellow students succeeded
Even when I’d had enough
from breaking rules they retreated
I was stuck in a rut
Between two of the cliques
one very clean cut
the other satan would mimic
I wasn’t SO terrible
But still always in trouble
a fart bag accident unbearable
half my wardrobe unwearable
and classically unpunctual
to everything all of the time
lectures led to demerits
which some thought unfair
I knew I deserved them
And accepted them all with flair


b u t w h a t i f ….
I chose to be bitter
I chose to give in
My senior year frittered
as I wallowed in my sin
“regret,” I kept repeating
“is the worst feeling ever”
the volleyball team had been defeating
losing my position, not so clever
I had loved every minute
From seventh grade till twelfth
My favorite commitment
Why’d I yield to my lackadaisical self
If I had loved it so much
Given the game my all
Why didn’t I try harder
didn’t I have the gall
Losing it, I lost all hope
Not playing again was no joke
i sank down in misery
my dilemma I could now clearly see
no more would I play
on my team with my friends
with my coach I was dolne
for me it was the end
I had wasted it
hurt so much I felt pain
My last year at Faith
Had been flushed down the drain
depression completed
I dropped out of school
From my friends I retreated
And ignored every rule
That was carefully set
By my parents who regret
Ever letting me give up this way
I swore and I lied
i punched and then cried
I came home too late
And got up the same
No point in trying
I was already soaked in my shame
I didn’t have school
and I had no job
I had no degree
I needed to rob
I stole from my parents
I stole from my friends
I left town fast
Decided that was the end
Of my life at home
I was on my own now

after a three day bus ride
I stopped in LA
Met a guy who promised
That I would be okay
I saw him at the bus stop
He saw me as well
And offered me dinner
the chicken was swell
He was amazing
Dark hair and bright smile
In him I saw hope
At least for a while
He swore he’d love me
He swore he’d be true
I never thought I’d be
So without a clue
But his real self came out
Love was never what he was about
Hope, happiness, and peace
Was all just a lie
He set me up fast
Let me stay with him
Said my rent was paid
And with him I could win
he shoved me around
and ordered me to stay
made me promise that i
would never ever go away
In only a few days
I had my own corner
Money every night
Cash from my owner
This job I had was temporary
I never planned on staying
The customers got scary
I just started praying
But I had stopped praying too soon
And started too late
Business done by the moon
pay an hourly rate
reputation shot
Company only bought
And even more often than not
Sold to the man on the road
I was lonely; I was sad
i was broke, I was bad
I was lost; and I knew, above all,
I’d been had
Work increased anyway
I needed the income
After a while, some day
I would be able to keep some
For now debt beyond belief
I’d never felt so needy
Seemed almost a relief
When he developed an STD
Not from me, I gladly learned
No one cried at the grave
Because No one was concerned
There wasn’t one to whom he behaved
After month three
A man came to me
Picked me up in a lexus
Wearing a suit by Armani
After that night
i had earned enough to pay rent
The price was finally finally right
I could have my own place
A one room apartment
No longer would I roam the street waiting
Worrying and hoping simultaneous
Watching for the next man, the next car, the next chance for a check
I could wake up at a home where I could sleep every night
Maybe after I’d made a few more bucks
I had to keep going
To keep money flowing
I had rent to pay and myself to feed
The nightly income was definitely a need
The men never stood back
They just kept on returning
I never asked for facts
Their secrets left them burning
But most were not so private
You could see through their hearts
Their money their actions
Reading them became an art
One man came crying
He almost drove by
Then stopped when he saw me
With tears filling brown eyes
He wasn’t looking for me
I knew that for sure
I was just one on a list
escapes from a life impure
that led to nowhere
some came angry
some came content
some I didn’t understand
why they would even consent
to leaving their wives
women they had all loved immensely
and coming to me
a girl they just met recently
I was there for the taking
Put myself on the line
I had to be open
to any one, any kind
as time went by
I learned it only got harder
i worked very hard
and still had to barter
to keep the place now called home
day in and day out
night in and work starts
keep going keep pushing
maybe it will work out

I Woke up one morning distressed
It couldn’t happen, not yet anyway
But the two little blue bars on the test
Replied yes, in a life changing way
What could I do and where would I take it?
The life inside me; wouldn’t kill it coudln’t fake it
Not another life would I let come into my hell
What I had once thought as heaven hadn’t gone very well
I needed to end it
Take control of it all
To a life of high risk
I’d not let one more fall
But leaving with no one and taking nothing
After being with so many unknown and disgusting
To care for another
Even after I’d failed
At taking care of myself
seemed ridiculous
How could I leave
Now that I was so accomplished
I had regulars by now
“If only,” quietly, i wished
i’ll decide on it tomorrow
is my decision today
for now I’ll wrap up my worries
and dream them away.