may the force be with you

i wanted to be chewie!

* http://overandoutloud.blogspot.com *

enjoying life as a second semester frosh with no major

i have so much to write about. lol so many opinions about professors and classes. lots of complaints about my schedule to, although i guess it could be worse- i could have a seven thirty on MONDAY too. and i have a job. two jobs, although one's a little spontaneous. pays well though. well enough to make up for missing my first com 250 exam? no, not quite. i am one horrible student!

independence vs love

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did
you fell so hard
i've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid

//rereading what i just wrote, i saw that to someone who doesn't know the thought process behind this post, i'm not sure how much sense it will make. but it's late and i don't want to spill too much of my guts. i'm not trying to be mysterious, and i hope you get the point of this big schpeel. tell me whatcha think//

recently, i've been challenged to start leaning on other people- asking for help, advice, etc. this is crazy! i think if i can do it on my own, why not? i don't want to bug people with my stuff, or inconvenience them by asking them to do something for me. most of my life, i have known this person, a person in authority over me. i refused to ever ask this person to help me in any way. although i still don't regret it, i think someone who is usually supposed to be trusted with problems should usually be entrusted with them. i don't think this is the only reason, i'm sure there are a ton more why i am too proud, stubborn, and maybe even selfish? to ask people, even the ones i love the most. after dating for geez how long? like almost 2 years?! *i think you round up after the first year ;)* ha ha i know 2 years is just "a blip on the timeline of eternity," but after that long, i'm pretty dang attached to this guy! so anyway, i was recently smacked with another crazy fact of marraige- a LOT of it's about depending on each other! a l a r g e part of me really doesn't want to do that! depending on anybody makes you vulnerable. who wants that? another thing- love makes you vulnerable too. lol but check this out, mr math teacher- if a=b, and c=b, then a=c. this might be a weird analogy that i'm sure doesn't work all the time.... if depending on someone makes you vulnerable, and love also makes you vulnerable, is it possible that one aspect of love is being able to depend on someone?.... maybe, right? this totally baffles me! depending on someone makes me less independent. and independence is something i've always and forever wanted. someone says i can't do it? i go for it. and i often screw up, but i just wanna do it "all by myself".... yea, just like my profile says. but thinking about it- ya know, that just makes love so much sweeter. love is amazing- the kind of love that paul wrote about, the love that Jesus spoke about, the kind of love that God demonstrates on us every day since before the very first day was created! :) that love doesn't make sense, and that love goes beyond understanding a lot. real love, the bible kind of love, is patient, and kind, it's not jealous, it doesn't brag, it's not arrogant, it doesn't "act up", it doesn't do whatever IT wants, it's not provoked, it doesn't hold a grudge, it's not happy with sin, it rejoices w/ truth. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. i LOVE that passage! what a CRAZY list of stuff to do- half of it goes against the "normal" girlfriend/boyfriend tendencies! ...wild.... lol. that's the kind of love that i'm going for- and the kind of love i think my friends are going for too. not really going for to get as much as to give though. so, these people that i love, and specifically this one person that loves me- if this is the kind of love we've got goin on, it's not so scary to depend on him. soooo, as embarrassed as i am to do it, i KNOW that i neeeed to just do it- "just ask, ang." that's what he says anyway.

Sincerely,
Miss Independent